What is Networking?

Mentoring is free and coaching is done for a fee. Mentors are our friends helping us learn in a casual environment.

Networking: An informal system whereby persons having common interests or concerns assist each other, as in the exchange of information or the development of professional contacts.
  - dictionary.com

Throughout history people have acknowledged critical stages in life and sought the guidance of elders as they passed through each stage. Young men went on vision quests. Young women participated in Sundance ceremonies. New artists spent years under the direction of masters. And spiritual novices spent long periods learning from religious leaders. In today’s terms, they consciously built an individual network to help with their growth.

In the past century, however, western society lost its understanding of the value of such relationships. As revolutions in industry and technology sped along, we focused our sights more on the future than the past. The late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries saw waves of immigrants leave behind family and traditions to start fresh. Cities eclipsed rural communities and discoveries in science weakened ties to religious communities.

Today, at the beginning of the new millennium, these revolutions are still with us. In urban centers especially, we live life competitively and rapidly, ties to work and home can change overnight, and we often fear for our safety. In rural communities, we race to stay ahead of the banks and avoid the now commonplace demise of the small town. The massive changes resulting from rapid advances in computer technology have added to the frenzied pace of our modern lives.

All of this has profoundly affected how we form relationships. However, in the midst of this upheaval—and perhaps now because of it—we are once again recognizing the need for support. Although our support networks today seem very different from those of the past, they serve many of the same functions.

New age spiritualism that embraces many faiths is still spiritualism. Rite-of-passage wilderness adventures still celebrate the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Internet cafés still allow us to relax and chat freely over a cappuccino.

We are, in the end, still social beings, and despite the drive toward individual futures in the last century, we continue to find ways to connect and reconnect with one another.

Networking is “working a net to catch information.” It’s something we do throughout life, and for most of us, it happens automatically. We collect and share information within our web of family, friends, and associates. We bounce ideas off them for many reasons—to get feedback, to gain confidence, to show respect, to receive respect.

Many people we know are motivated in a similar way, which is why we’re part of their network. If we took ten friends and were able to draw lines between them and everyone they knew, we would see an amazing web of connections and interconnections as beautiful and unique as a spider’s web. I like to think of it as a net.

Many of us accomplish this without much conscious thought or effort. We allow ourselves to be influenced, and we feel like we have some influence within our networks.

Sometimes we feel like we don’t have influence or that our networks influence us too much. Other times we feel like we have too much influence or responsibility and wish someone else could take it for a while. In each case, our network feels unbalanced or unsafe. At these times, networking with conscious goals in mind is beneficial.

Effective networking happens when we consciously manage our networks for specific positive purposes. To do that we need to:

• Become conscious of what our networks offer us and of what we offer them.
• Expand our networks in ways that benefit our growth.
• Retain the parts of our networks that are important to us.
• Keep our agreements.
• Develop effective communication skills.

Becoming aware of what our networks offer us and of what we offer them occurs when we recognize our unofficial roles as mentors and apprentices. We may have respect for many people and even learn a great deal from them, but do we acknowledge them as mentors? There may be times when we feel we can offer good advice to others, but do we express it effectively?

As with many endeavors in life, we succeed often by mistake, unaware of what we’re really doing to cause our success. Take ten minutes to sit down and write a list of the many ways you mentor and apprentice within your network of family, friends, and associates. Then review the list and ask if you’re happy with your mentoring and apprenticing roles.

After reviewing such a list, I may, for example, discover that I connect at work with very sociable people. As someone who’s shy and introverted, I might ask what it is that I offer him or her and what do they offer me. Is the situation acceptable to me? Am I afraid of taking responsibility in social situations? Do I want to change that? Any number of questions will lead me in any number of directions. The key is to ask questions.

Or I may discover that people unofficially approach me for help solving personal problems because I’m a good listener. Am I happy with that role? Would I like to expand it by volunteering to serve on an employee assistance committee at work? Would I like to leave the situation as is? Perhaps I’m too eager to deal with others’ problems while never leaving enough time to deal with my own. Do I need to learn more about how to say no to people without abandoning them? Again, asking questions is the key.

As we become more conscious of the roles we play within our networks, as we ask more questions about why we network in the ways we do, we gain a stronger sense of purpose and direction. We begin to make decisions that more clearly ensure we’re getting what we need and we’re offering the best part of ourselves to others. This process allows us to work our nets more effectively.

Part of working our networks more effectively has to do with expanding them. Stagnant networks may be comfortable because they’re predictable, but they offer little potential for growth. Dynamic networks have the potential to greatly determine how much opportunity we encounter. Network, and personal growth occurs in many ways, but one of the most basic is to engage new people.

We can become involved in school functions with our children, corporate sports teams, community associations, chambers of commerce, or adult education courses. There are many more options, but it’s up to each of us to follow through on them.

You are the only person who can build your network. Sometimes this takes courage, which develops through practice—the practice of stretching comfort zones. The more we push ourselves through uncomfortable situations, the more skilled we become at confronting discomfort with courage and confidence.

I know two people, both in different jobs, both with very different personalities, and both immigrated to Canada in the 1970s. At that time, growing their networks was a means of survival.

Today, each lives an above average Canadian lifestyle. One of the gentlemen is a businessman originally from Kenya. He has one of the largest personal networks I’ve seen. The other is a mechanic originally from Poland. He has a small network of friends and associates. Each man developed a kind and size of network that helped him achieve his goals. Each succeeded in creating the lifestyle he wanted by expanding his network in his own style.

We all build our networks in our own style. Networks are as individual and beautiful as a spider web. We can create stronger, healthier networks when we decide to connect with people we can learn from or offer experience towe engage them with compassion, and we expand our comfort zones.

As we build our networks it is important to maintain existing relationships to get the support needed in growth. Sometimes growth brings many fears to the surface—fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of loss of love or respect to name a few. Trying anything for the first time is often easier if we know we have people we can count on for support.

But there are additional benefits to maintaining existing relationships. In business I learned that the cost of retaining a customer as part of our network of business associates was usually less expensive than the cost of replacing him or her.

I also learned that when I left jobs on good terms, my network shifted, but didn’t shrink. Often, past employers became customers of the different companies I worked for. We never lost respect for one another and each of our networks benefited in the shift.

The same is true of personal networking. It takes more effort to attract a new respected member into our net than it does to retain the one already there. The extra effort is worth it, but an important part of expanding our networks is to not lose sight of what—who—we already have.

Effective networking draws on many skills. Two of the most critical are our abilities to keep agreements and communicate clearly. When we excel at these, we make our networks more attractive to others.

How many people do you know who wouldn’t be drawn to those who keep their word and who listen and communicate well? When we break agreements, we lose a piece of trust. If enough pieces of trust are lost, people will leave our networks. When people leave, we lose opportunities for growth and support.

Communicating effectively with others is one of our most difficult challenges as human beings. We can learn how to communicate by attending workshops, reading up on the subject, or by engaging as many people as we can to see what works. Effective skills for communicating include being self-aware, speaking from an “I” point of view, listening, clarifying, and paraphrasing.

Communication begins with the self. Becoming self-aware involves learning to ask why whatever we’ve heard, tasted, smelled, or touched has caused us to think and feel in certain ways. It’s about questioning our thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions. When we become self-aware, we are able to more clearly communicate with others about who we are at any given moment.

Speaking from the “I” point of view means acknowledging that what I feel may not be the same as what you feel. In our society we often speak from a “you” point of view. Consider, for example, the difference between this statement, “You know how you feel when someone steals from you,” and this one: “When someone steals from me I feel invaded.”

Speaking from the “I” point of view offers a clear way of sharing what we are experiencing without assuming that another is thinking or feeling the same thing. It is a pattern of speaking that encourages us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings.

Paraphrasing and clarifying refer to repeating in our own words what we think another has said. It can be about asking for additional information. Their purpose is to confirm or expand our understanding of what someone has said, which leads to more effective communicating.

They are particularly useful when we’re disagreeing with someone, having difficult understanding, or wanting to let another person know that we understand. In these situations, we can try beginning more of our sentences with, “What I hear you saying is . . .” It’s amazing how often we misinterpret others’ words.

Effective listening is a skill that takes continual practice. Often while others are speaking, we turn our thoughts to what our response will be. Doing this interferes with true listening and may negatively affect an interaction because we haven’t heard everything that’s been said.

The more we listen, the more we hear, and the more informed we are before we speak. God gave us two ears and one mouth as a hint that we can listen twice as much as we speak. Take the hint. Listen more than you speak and you will have greater opportunity for learning.

Communicating effectively requires much practice. At first the new ways of speaking may feel awkward, but as we practice more, our speech becomes more natural and our communication with others becomes more effective.

Remember that some develop new habits quicker than others do. Learning a new habit can be time-consuming. It took about five years for some of the communication skills I learned to become habitual. Fifteen years later I still catch myself speaking less than effectively.

Be patient with yourself while learning these skills, but keep in mind the better you become at communicating, the more direction you will have while networking and you will catch a lot of information and make a lot of friends. Your mentors and apprentices will appreciate you.

When we acknowledge the roles we play while networking, we gain direction. With direction, we grow and maintain our relationships with greater ease. As we learn to keep agreements and communicate effectively we become better at mentoring and apprenticing.

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