Resolve conflicts successfully

. . . by doing all of the above

Conflict is real and it happens to everyone. We can choose to make conflict a healthy learning process or an unhealthy process that erodes trust.

A healthy process is facilitated when we become aware of ourselves (our whole selves), learn to speak about our awarenesses effectively, and listen and clarify well—all with compassion and honesty. When the process is healthy, conversations develop that allow people the freedom to be themselves. Blocks to communication are removed, and people learn more from each other than they might under other circumstances.

Conflict can provide an incredibly rich opportunity for growth, but there are many roadblocks to healthy conflict. The point of failure often occurs when we fail to stop for a moment to examine what’s really going on—for both sides. Many of us find it difficult to let go of anger and work directly toward some degree of understanding. Once we’re angry, we tend to like to stay there for a while.

If we’re practiced communicators, it may be possible to slow down our emotional process, in the heat of argument, in order to ask questions about the appropriateness of our responses. We may have the good sense to use “I” statements, share feelings, and listen effectively. We may even discover a genuine sense of compassion for someone with whom we completely disagree.

However, these are not the routes most of take to resolving conflicts. More often than not, we raise our voices, stamp our feet, point our fingers, and feel superior. Or we shrivel up inside, lose our voices, cry, and do everything we can to feel invisible.

In either case, we have options. If we’re capable of asking questions and listening compassionately while being angry, we can keep the situation from getting out of hand. If, however, the situation does heat up, our communication skills give us a way to re-enter the discussion with more clarity later and learn from the experience.

When we become part of an interaction that involves conflict and anger, we have a choice to redirect the anger by asking the six self-awareness questions listed earlier. When I feel heated up in a discussion, it helps for me to slow down, take a step back, and become aware of my process by asking these questions. Here they are presented in the form of a diagram.

Shawna and I have both experienced conflicts with others in which using effective communications skills hasn’t made any difference. Communication happens. Effective communication happens by choice. Some people aren’t interested in making that choice. At that point, we had to decide whether or not pursuing the relationship or issue was worth it.

With increased self-awareness and responsibility—with the intention to work things out—we can help relationships become joyful places to grow and connect. Become an effective communicator. Make the choice.

What are your communication habits? Are you happy with them? Are you happy with the way you are able to connect out there in the big world? Are you happy with the communication process in your significant relationships? If you answered no to any of these questions, practice all of the above. "Practice makes perfect," if there is such a thing as perfect. For sure there is such a thing as very good. Being a very good communicator is worth the effort.

Thanks for reading,
michael and shawna

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