Keep your agreements

. . . and build trust and honesty

The old saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” comes from a common experience: an inability to follow through with our promises. A key part of human interaction is trust, and a key part of building trust involves keeping our agreements.

As humans interact with other humans, agreements are made. Some of them are written, some are spoken, and some are unspoken. A common spoken agreement is, “I’ll have that done by tomorrow for sure.” A common unspoken agreement is, “When I speak, I am telling you the truth.”

Every time I break an agreement with another person, a layer of trust is stripped away. Sometimes we make agreements quickly without thinking things through and we regret the decision. We can make an opportunity to renegotiate, but if enough promises are broken, the relationship may erode completely.

Shawna and I believe that our willingness to be honest is intimately linked to our ability to keep agreements. The degree to which we are honest also affects how much we can use our feelings as a sensing tool—a sixth sense.

When we are not honest, we attract dishonesty. A spiral of dishonesty begins that interferes with our, and others’ ability to trust our feelings and intuition. Communication can and often does break down at this point. People cannot trust us to follow through with agreements.

All of us set limits on how much dishonesty we find personally acceptable. We do it to protect ourselves from our own shadows and demons, and to keep ourselves from feeling vulnerable and judged. Sometimes our small dishonesties are even encouraged by society.

But there is usually a greater degree of honesty available to us when we really search. I may tell myself that my dishonesty falls within the standards acceptable to society and everything is fine. But is it? If we accept that lies attract more lies, it’s easy to see how quickly even a small “untruth” can lead to more lies and eventually a very messy situation.

On the other hand, when I continually challenge myself to be honest and strive to keep all my agreements, even the unspoken ones, I attract more honesty and my ability to be honest increases. It encourages me to accept more honesty within, which eventually allows me more insight to my feelings. With practice and compassion, I can make honesty a rewarding habit.

Try this rewarding exercise whenever you can arrange it. It involves, going to a deeper level of honesty, than you ever have before, with someone. Pick someone you feel safe with and consciously attempt to be as honest as possible about an intimate feeling or experience.

Use “I” statements. If you feel afraid, ask yourself why you feel that way. (Remember that persistence and patience help when developing the habit of honesty.) You will likely find that the more you do these two things, the easier it will be to pinpoint your feelings and the easier it will become to share honestly with others.

Shawna and I believe that our feelings are in fact a sensing tool. Through our own fear, we can sense fear in others. Through our own love, we can sense love in others. In the book Mutant Message Down Under, Marlo Morgan writes about an Australian aboriginal tribe that is able to communicate without words. The people of the tribe claim it’s dishonesty that blocks telepathic communication.

Until we truly understand our feelings and more about how they work, honesty seems to heighten awareness of feelings and that is a good thing.

If dishonesty remains unchecked, we risk becoming stagnant or seeing our life circumstances worsen. Often it appears that other people aren’t really bothered by little broken agreements like being ten minutes late or not taking out the garbage or doing the dishes, but resentment can build. When others don’t know how to vent their resentment effectively, conflict eventually appears on the scene, often presenting itself in a confused and destructive way.

Keeping agreements within relationships allows growth because it builds trust, and with trust, we feel safe enough to take more risks than we would otherwise.

But how do we practice getting better at keeping agreements? It’s difficult if we believe the agreements are insignificant and the consequences are trivial. However, if we accept the opposite, then it becomes easier to practice keeping the promises we’ve made—all of them, even when we’re scared. It’s really very simple: the more we practice, the better we get at it.

Shawna and I have found that honesty sometimes creates a lot of struggle in a relationship, but after the struggle, the relationship is healthier and being honest feels quite rewarding.

Keeping agreements is about being honest and building trust. When the trust is questioned, conflict arises. Help avoid conflict by keeping your agreements.

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