Find your compassion

. . . and the key to people's hearts

Compassion is a gift from the creator that assists our listening skills. Compassion, like all feelings, can be communicated without words. Love transmits without words. Fear transmits without words. Desire transmits without words. So does compassion. It is a communication assistant, and when people sense it, they open up.

Compassion is the ability to allow others to be who they are without judging them —whether we personally agree with them or not. How do we find compassion in ourselves? I have an uncle who is liked by many people. He often says we “have to agree to disagree.” Agreeing to disagree is a way to find compassion.

Compassion is easier when we understand other people’s stories and genuinely relate to them. But this is often not possible, so we need to find compassion before we enter an interaction. But how do we do that?

Situations may be awful and may even have a bad effect on us, but, like the Buddha said, every person is basically good. Believing this from the outset paves the way to our compassion. People may do awful and destructive things, but these don’t make people bad. Their actions are bad.

People may feel confused or lost. Destructive emotions like hate, envy, jealousy, and fear may overtake their ability to reason safely. As negative emotions swirl, people may strike out against others because they have never learned how to safely let go of scary emotions. In these confused emotional states, they forget the universal law found in virtually all religions or faiths: Live as I will and harm none.

Most of us experience periods in our lives that are very difficult. Most of us have made decisions that ignore the golden rule: do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Some of us ignore it more often than others, but the same confused emotional process is present in some form, to some degree, in all destructive acts, even the really small ones.

Confused and destructive emotional processes may begin with a traumatic experience such as a loved one’s death, a significant relationship transition, the loss of one of our senses, or abuse in some form. The process that occurs as a result of such circumstances can last for years or even a lifetime. Sometimes the process becomes so confused that people will harm others because they feel unsafe themselves. Most often, thank goodness, the process is not tragic.

Most of us live with some confusion about our own emotional process. Being aware of what triggers the different emotions within me has allowed me to examine my own dysfunction and build compassion for myself and others.

A trigger might be a word, an occurrence in nature like a thunderstorm, or a common human gesture that reminds me of an intense emotional experience. Knowing my triggers allows me to understand when I need support. As I learn to get support for myself, I learn to effectively support others.

People need support in some form to get through times when emotional processes are confused. Support is given through the energy of compassion. Humans and other creatures can sense it. It means putting aside our own concerns for the moment—and seeing the world through another’s eyes. It means opening our hearts to another’s difficult journey and asking questions that may help them find some clarity. When we are genuinely open to another’s experience, a greater degree of intimacy is achieved.

Intimacy refers to communication that happens when we’re listening well, with compassion, and sharing our own truths. In every successful communication with others, a degree of intimacy is achieved, whether the interaction is personal, business, or casual.

If we are truly feeling compassion, others will sense it. But we can confirm our compassion for others by choosing compassionate words. Word choice, as we have said before, is critical in effective communicating.

In our homes, for example, we discourage using words like should, always, never, and hate. There are others, but these are the most common for us. Using these words puts people on the defensive and shuts down any opportunity to discuss even the possibility for change. We discovered that eliminating them from our vocabulary opened up channels of communication and led to compassion.

Should, for instance, implies that what I am currently doing is not good enough and that I have made a bad choice about it. Using could rather than should implies that we are only offering advice. Try replacing the word should with could. “You could do . . .” rather than “You should do . . .” Which one would you rather hear? Other options include replacing the word should with a question like, “What if . . . ?” or What about . . . ?” or “Have you thought of . . . ?”

Always and never imply that we, or others, are unable to change behavior—whether good or bad. Both words suggest an uncomfortable sense of finality. Often, rarely, usually, and sometimes are all good words to use instead. Think of the subtle difference in tone between “You rarely clean up after yourself” and “You never clean up after yourself.” Which one would you rather hear from someone who is complaining about your actions?

Hate is a word and an emotion we need to learn more about. It’s destructive and the more we learn about it, the less influence it has over us. In our homes, Shawna and I encourage understanding more about our hates and redefining them with other words. There are many other words to choose when describing something we don’t like, such as dislike, uncomfortable, don’t care for, and don’t want.

Choosing words for effective communicating helps bring us closer to others and ourselves. Think about the words you habitually choose in your statements. Are there any in particular that block your compassion? Change some of them, and see how others react.

Previous | Next