Two ears, one mouth, guess what

. . . listen more than you speak

Our creator gave us many gifts, including two ears and one mouth. I take it as a hint that we need to listen more than we speak. If we spend most of our time talking, we spend most of our time confirming (our thoughts, feelings and beliefs). When we listen to others, really listen, with compassion, we spend our time learning (about them and ourselves). Confirming can be desirable, but it does not lead us forward. Only learning can do that.

Fortunately, most of us spend a great deal of time listening. Studies indicate that people do actually listen more than they speak. We listen to radio, CDs, television, video games, friends, parents, teachers, relatives, strangers, traffic noise, wind, horns honking, cows mooing, flies buzzing, bacon sizzling in a frying pan. Many of us, however, are not effective listeners. Given how much time we spend listening, it’s well worth the effort to improve our skills.

One struggle many of us have is taking the time to let others finish what they are saying before we start thinking of how to respond. For me, listening appears to be a lesson in patience. Learning to listen to a person’s whole story is critical if we want a healthy connection with others.

Developing new habits, like many other endeavors in life, takes time, practice, and patience. The way we listen is a habit. If we want to improve our communication skills, we will likely have to adjust our listening habits. This involves keeping some broad general principles in mind as you practice specific skills.

General guidelines for effective listening

• Have a genuine desire to listen. Make sure you have time and are not tired or impatient.
  
  
• When you truly want people to open up to you, first listen without judgment, even if you do not agree with the other person. Remember that others' feelings are often not a reflection of how they feel about us or something we've done. Think, for example, of the very difficult situation of a marriage ending. We might think, "How could I not feel abandoned or disregarded? What about my feelings? Why should I sit through this without judgment when it affects me intimately?"

  Healthy listening doesn’t mean we disregard questions about our own feelings. It means we put them aside until we hear the other person’s perspective. We talk back and forth, listening to and sharing each other’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions. In simple situations, the process can be very quick. In complicated situations, the process can be very long.

  When Shawna and I chose, after eighteen years, to shift our marriage to a friendship, and parenting and business partnership, it took three years to process the confusion, but we fought far less in those three years combined than we did in the first year of our marriage. Listening, along with our other communications skills, allowed a safer, more open relationship transition.
  
  

• Have a feeling of trust in the other person's capacity to work out their feelings, make decisions and find solutions. Not only can we take responsibility for ourselves, but also we can allow others to take responsibility for them.
  
  
• Remember that people's feelings shift all the time. Feelings often change as a result of new information or insight. My nephew shared a story with his mother about how he really had a hard time liking a fellow student and then was surprised at how his feelings shifted when he found out how hard a life the boy had experienced.

Specific skills for effective listening

• Leave enough physical space between you, in North America, usually about 18–30" (45–75 cm). People have a zone of comfort, and if we cross into that zone without a specific invitation from others, they may feel threatened.
  
  
• Keep your body open and relaxed, not closed with arms and legs crossed. A relaxed posture will help you feel more open, too.
  
  
• Maintain eye contact with others. It builds trust and confidence.
  
  
• Sit up, lean slightly forward, and nod appropriately. These gestures let others know you are interested in what they are saying.
  
  
• Avoid sharing your own stories and saying "I know" a lot. The listening phase of conversation means giving your complete attention to the speaker, not interjecting with your own concerns or experiences.
  
  
• Watch for nonverbal cues while others speak. What are their body language, vocal patterns, and gestures telling you that words can't? Are they speaking quietly? Are their eyes wide with excitement or droopy from exhaustion? Are their arms gesturing a lot, or are they sitting back with arms folded across their chest? What does this suggest they feel about the topic they're discussing?
  
  
• Practice letting others finish talking before planning your response. This may create periods of silence that may feel uncomfortable at first, but the people you're speaking with will soon learn to appreciate your desire to truly listen and your willingness to respond thoughtfully to their concerns.
  
  
• Every so often, practice being silent in group discussions. Just listen.
  
  
• Remember that, like you, people want to feel their ideas are important. When we really listen to others, they feel supported. If that happens, they will often open up more and the connection between you will be stronger. Adults are particularly prone to not fully listening to children. We too often think we know more than they do, which, as a practical reality, may be true. But that doesn't mean their ideas are less important. In such cases, we need to see the world from their perspective and listen on that basis. We may even kneel to the child's level of height to demonstrate our willingness to hear them.

Adults are particularly prone to not fully listening to children. We too often think we know more than they do, which, as a practical reality, may be true. But that doesn’t mean their ideas are less important. In such cases, we need to see the world from their perspective and listen on that basis. We may even kneel to the child’s level of height to demonstrate our willingness to hear them.

Listening helps us discover specifically how others are feeling or thinking. It facilitates clarity, safety, warmth, and understanding during interactions. Over time it builds the trust needed for safely disclosing intimate thoughts and feelings, and encourages others to listen to us when the time comes.

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