Take responsibility for your words and actions

. . . speak from an "I" point of view

Speaking from an I point of view means speaking from our own experience rather than generalizing about others’ experiences. It means saying, “I feel lousy that my job was taken away,” instead of “You know how lousy you feel when your job is taken away,” or “I love this weather,” instead of “Don’t you just love this weather?”

Using the word you instead of I in our conversations or writing, is a subtle way of shifting responsibility for what we say. It’s a way of de-emphasizing who is thinking or feeling the words being spoken.

Conversely, when speaking from an “I” point of view, we speak from our own experience without assuming others are experiencing the same thing. Often they are not, and any assumption that they are can block effective communication.

To speak from our own experience, we acknowledge our thoughts and feelings, then share them. We ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” and say, “I feel happy.” Or we ask, “What am I thinking?” and say, “I think you’re beautiful.” Or we ask, “What am I sensing?” and say, “The wind feels warm on my back.” Or we ask, “What is my intention?” and say, “I long for a double-scoop chocolate ice cream cone.”

Here are more examples of speaking effectively from the “I” versus “you” point of view.

"You" point of view	"I" point of view
You never put away your shoes. I hate it when you do that. You're such a slob.	I rarely see you put away your shoes, and I feel frustrated about having to put them away so often
Don't you just love getting wet walking in the rain?	I love getting wet walking in the rain. Do you?
You know how angry you can get when someone cuts you off in the middle of a sentence.	I get angry when someone cuts me off in the middle of a sentence.
You're a bigger idiot. You can be so stupid.	When I hear you call me names, I feel hurt and angry.
You say I'm a slob, but you're no better.	I feel hurt when you call me a slob
Where the hell have you been? You're so inconsiderate about being late.	I get scared and worried when you come home late, and I need to do something to change this feeling, so what can we do?

The “I” statements in these examples represent a willingness to take responsibility for our own senses, thoughts, feelings, or intentions. They also describe rather than accuse, and they do not assume anything of the other person.

Though each of the situations could represent a potential conflict, listeners tend to feel less threatened because they do not feel blamed. Speakers are simply stating what they’ve seen, heard, felt, or thought as a result of certain easily described concrete circumstances.

If they want those circumstances to change, they can invite listeners to help make changes. In the same manner, we can avoid focusing on the potential for hurt feelings and focus instead on finding solutions that work for all of us.

Speaking from an “I” point of view can lessen the potential for conflict, but it is useful in other ways, too. In taking responsibility for our own words and actions, we take blame away from others, which takes down many blocks to satisfying communication.

Using “I” statements allows us to own our thoughts and feelings in ways that may at first feel uncomfortable and strange, especially if we’ve done something we feel is wrong. However, “I” statements help us to be more self-aware, and with self-awareness comes clarity. We feel more capable of seeing a variety of options, we feel clearer when making decisions, and we understand more about the consequences of our decisions. The positive, long-term benefits of using “I” statements include a nurtured sense of power over our lives.

Changing our speaking habits can be challenging and may take a long time. At first, using “I” statements may feel awkward. But as we practice using them, our speech starts to sound more natural and our words are received with more grace.

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